Jelly Ass, Oh, Jelly Ass, Mine Kingdom as is He!

I once met a dude. At the 7-11, in fact. Buying smokes, late at night, my girl waiting for me in the car. His name was Branch, or Bud or Stem or something. He used to be famous. He gave me his number. I never called him. Texted him once, but never called. What does that make me? Dunno. Maybe I'll just give myself a Jelly Ass and call it a night.

Feel a little better, guy?

Here you go, Lionel.

Me: Sports Guy

I've noticed something about me lately: I am, like, 97% accurate on my opinions about instant replay reviews in NFL games. More importantly, I love sports and I'm not as good a writer as I thought I was. So, here's the plan: What if I start a blog called MeTheSportsGuy.com or something like that, and I just pick a topic of the day and run with it? Multiple topics, too, obviously. I'd be pretty good at it, no? Could I be the straight dope that ESPN is no longer? Could I actually make a dime off this idea? Probably not.

Thoughts? I'm only really asking for advice and checking to see if your reading this crap.

Poor Little Adolph

A couple in Easton, Pa was upset when a local bakery wouldn't put their son's name on a birthday cake.  In the bakery's defense, the child's name is Adolph Hitler.  You'd think they would've learned their lesson after naming Adolph's older sister Aryan Nation.  

This is not a joke, btw.  Just a couple obvious racists expressing themselves freely and ruining their children's lives.  Happy Holidays!

I Calls It The Jelly Ass

Have you ever wiped your ass with a tissue into which you've just blown your nose?  It's usually out of necessity (ie., running out of toilet paper...etc.) and mostly happens when you've underestimated the amount of snot in the tissue before dunking it in your shitbox.  What I'm trying to say is that I'd never intentionally give myself the Jelly Ass.  There's some situations where it accidentally happens is all I'm saying. 

So Incredibly Lame

I've been watching a lot of Youtube b/c I don't have cable and they haven't cancelled my internet service yet and, man, I gotta tell you I am not impressed with humans at all.  For every grainy 9-second clip of something fantastic, there are millions of minutes of many things startlingly less than fantastic.

There are so many different things to complain about that I'm not even going to try to sum it all up.  Instead, I'll just pick one example that really shows the asses of 99% of the people in this world I don't yet know.

Tribute Videos.  There, I said it.  From The Crocodile Hunter to Roy Scheider, I promise you will be amazed at how poor and repetitive they are... all 28 million of them.  Ever since 9/11 people are really hellbent for tribute videos.  Enough already.  Oh, and for those of you who persevere and make more tribute videos, here is a tip that you CLEARLY haven't heard:  Pick music that isn't terrible.  Why does every song suck harder than a Jewish vacuum cleaner picking up Gold Dust.  Yes, I just made that up as I typed it.            

And there are just the random ones that bother me, like the "WOW! Totally Miniature Cat!" that is just a video clip of a kitten.  C'mon now, man.

Regards,

Karl "Monkeyass" Johnstone

Sup, Suge?

We're cool, right?  No beef between us I should know about or anything, right?  I don't remember any, but I wanted to make sure.  If there is something I should be aware of, then please let me know so I can apologize like a man and make up for whatever it is.  If not, then let's just enjoy the holidays like rational human beings.